by Jonene Lee
It's Wednesday January 29th which marks 1 year since I've had a sip of alcohol.
I was in high school when I first started drinking at parties and social events. I'd get drunk like everyone else, pass out and throw up the next morning. I drank because everyone else did. Then at 19 I met my ex husband and although I was already smoking cannabis, he didn't drink ... so I stopped and just stuck to weed. Well, that and some new things floating around town like MDMA. Once a week on Thursday nights at Club Fever in Center City Philly I'd smoke dust and take a half a pill of ecstasy. That all lasted about 6 months, I just stopped and stuck with cannabis for about 20 years.
I never LIKED drinking because I think I didn't the out of control feeling it gave me. Plus the way everyone acted when they were drunk was super unappealing to me. Like, get your shit together. You look foolish.
... jump to about 7 years later ...
I'm drinking Jameson neat all night. Like ... all night ... probably looking real foolish. My ex and I split, I moved in with some friends and they drank Jameson ... so I drank Jameson. Do you see a pattern here? I tend to lean into whatever is going on with the people I'm hanging with. Just to give you a time frame, I'm in my early 30s around now. My brain is fully developed and I have no business downing Jameson every night of the week. My hangovers were severe too. I'd throw up all day.
I met my daughter's father in 2012, got sober from opiates and didn't drink for a while. Maybe 6 months or so but then I started drinking beer. Why? Because my baby daddy did, so what the hell ... I'll drink beer now. Sidebar: I can't stand beer. Just typing about it makes me feel bloated. Anyway ... after that I basically drank socially until COVID. Baby daddy and I had split so when I didn't have my daughter, it was just me, my girls on facetime, DJs spinning online and it was Wine O'clock all day every day. Everyone was making bread and drinking all day so that's what I did. 2-3 glasses a night. That's it. I never really got drunk ... just a nice buzz to ensure good sleep (it never happened) and the false self assurance that I didn't have a problem. I met Marc a few years later and guess what? He liked wine too! What a match we were ... wine every night.
Sometimes a few glasses, sometimes a few bottles. The bickering fights were a blast (that's my sarcasm). We'd watch BRAVO and get into an argument about Scheana's hair on Vanderpump Rules. Just combative for no reason other than we were drunk. I'd go to bed angry, wake up angry, but had no idea why I was even angry.
That was one side of it. The other was health reasons. I'm a breast cancer survivor and my diagnosed was hormone based and I don't have the cancer gene. I'm also 49 and suffer from perimenopause. When I tell you my sleep was JACKED UP when I was drinking, I am not exaggerating. I could fall asleep (really pass out) but I'd wake up in the middle of the night not able to fall back asleep. The alcohol and insomnia would continue for days until I would just break down and cry. I'd say it was because I was tired ... I was ... but really my body was tired of trying to process poison on a daily basis.
My point is that my hormones are all over the place and I think alcohol wasn't helping at all. I truly believe that there's a connection between sugar and a woman's hormones. The research hasn't been done and I may not see it done in my lifetime, but if you're a woman reading this ... keep this in mind. SUGAR AND OUR HORMONES. January 28, 2024 Marc decided he was done with alcohol and I followed his lead 2 days later.
Marc was also diagnosed with diabetes a couple years ago and wasn't taking care of himself the best he could so both of us throwing the wine out has been beneficial to the entire household. We barely fight ... I mean over dumb things like BRAVO tv shows. We still have our blow ups but there's communication and a resolution at the end instead of passing out angry. My sleep is phenomenal. I fall asleep every night by 8pm and am up by 5am. My sleep is still a little messed up during the times of the month when my hormones shift, but I'm aware of it and can accept it as part of being a woman.
So what calms my central nervous system now? Being more aware of it. I don't crave a drink, but I am aware of when I'm flighty and I want something to calm me. O and "flighty" is a term my therapist uses for me: "Jonene you seem flighty today" ... meaning I need to be grounded. My thoughts flood my brain and I get overwhelmed easily which before ... meant "IT'S WINE O'CLOCK!" The Pavlov's Dog affect, ya know? Being aware of when I need to mentally change my thought pattern instead of relying on something else to do it, has been a game changer. Grounding has become a big word in my vocabulary and for me it means:
watering the plants
yoga
writing down 5 goals
a deep breath while relaxing my jaw
cuddling the dog
holding a hug with Marc for more than a minute
laughing (usually at myself)
painting my nails
giving myself a facial
taking a walk (when it's not cold. I can't be out there like that in this Philly coldness)
And look ... this isn't a post to convince you to stop drinking. To each their own. I just wanted to share my experience in case reading the words helps someone who needs it.
Jonene
xoxo
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